How do I even start?
How do I move forward?
Is this my life?
Tonight I realized why people say time flies, life is short, and other phrases of the like. We go through life with so many things staying the same... for a period of time. Then, as quickly as a mile marker passes you on the freeway, it zips right past you, barely noticeable. It happens so quickly that despite you seeing it coming, it is with you for only a moment then... gone. I scroll through pictures of another service for someone I know who has passed on to the other side and can't help but to feel similar feelings for when my mom, dad, and grandpa passed over the past two years. I also feel for their family members who had to say that bitter goodbye.
I can imagine that they are reuniting with their family who has gone before. I can also see a small reunion with my mother on the other side. I quick glance or nod as they are welcomed to the spirit world. Then they get to work teaching. My mother was always one for teaching and I know she is there doing so. I know that my dad is helping people get comfortable and feel welcomed in their next phase of life. These are the thoughts I have. I rely on these daydreams of mine to help me. Because I need help to deal with the fact that these first loves of our lives (mom and dad) have now flashed past me on the road of life. As hard as I reach out, with all the will of my soul, I cannot reach them.
I sit questioning my life. No matter how long our lives are, the end comes in a blink of an eye and that's all there is for this life. But as I have learned in many instances, memories are the strongest type of magic we have (Kubo and the Two Strings). It is also up to us to keep their memory alive... but it is so hard during the time of grief. The pain that comes as I remember them is so unpredictable. Sometimes is not bad but other times it is so overwhelming that I lose the ability to speak. Then comes the long-term challenge of learning to live with it for the rest of my life. I understand grief is love. It just becomes a part of life. I try to understand how our older friends and family members have learned to live with these types of loss at a much greater number.
If anything, these past two years have taught me that there are truths that cannot be learned without experiences. No book, no observation, no explanation can ever take the place of some experiences and the lessons you learn. With loss, we learn.
My thoughts and prayers are with my friend and their family as they grieve. The long journey now begins to continue life with this permanent hole in our hearts. I recently heard it called a broken heart for life. Tears stream down your face as you lose something you cannot replace (Coldplay).
Aloha,
SL
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