I could continue with many more positives but this year has taught me that just as darkness will give way to light, light must allow for shadows to exist. I found myself experiencing joy deeper than I had ever before. I finally had a family of my own that I love and adore, I have a career which I see myself pouring my heart and soul into, and I feel like I am on a path which I can continue to grow. With all these things there was a voice that kept whispering, "OK, but wait..." or "this is great... too great." I worried that something could go wrong at any moment and it would all be taken from me. Little did I know, what would be taken from me was not what I feared.
In November I experienced my first major family death, which shook me. I had other family members pass away but none as close as my grandpa was. Grandpa Vic was one of my heroes. His example of quiet dignity, dedication to his work, and willingness to help are traits that I hope to emulate. I had seen and experienced death before and through music, I have connected to the passing of a loved one. But this was different. It went far deeper than I ever anticipated. The finality of a moment hit me like a truck. It wasn't until I was sitting in my rent-a-car at the Maui Veterans Cemetary did it really hit me, and all I could do is cry. The memories I had with him all of a sudden became golden memories, those moments I never wanted to forget. So much more precious than previously thought.
I returned home to continue to mourn his passing and get on with life. Soon Christmas came around. I created a video to help my grandmother through her first Christmas without grandpa. Working on the video found my thoughts reflecting on working through my heartache. Reaching its threshold, I could take time to work through it.
Then the evening of December 22 came. I had a great day playing D&D but when it was over I had to deal with another death which took my heartache even further. My father had suffered a heart attack and my stepmother had given the order to not resuscitate. Then it was finished. My father had crossed over to the other side. His pain and suffering were over, he was finally reunited with his father, mother, and siblings who passed before him. But mine had just begun. Even now, months later I am working through a problem I don't know how to solve. Through a depth with no lights or relief from the weight. Despite this, I still push forward. Doing the things that I must in order to continue to live, but still dragging the weight of the knowledge that I will never in this life call my dad again, my daddy is gone. There is so much more to that story but in a nutshell, the last ten years have been the best I have had with him and just as things were really getting good, it is gone.
As I keep working through this I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but as of right now, it is still very dark.
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