Years later, loss, grief, and mourning continue

How do I even start?

How do I move forward?

Is this my life?

Tonight I realized why people say time flies, life is short, and other phrases of the like. We go through life with so many things staying the same... for a period of time. Then, as quickly as a mile marker passes you on the freeway, it zips right past you, barely noticeable. It happens so quickly that despite you seeing it coming, it is with you for only a moment then... gone. I scroll through pictures of another service for someone I know who has passed on to the other side and can't help but to feel similar feelings for when my mom, dad, and grandpa passed over the past two years. I also feel for their family members who had to say that bitter goodbye. 

I can imagine that they are reuniting with their family who has gone before. I can also see a small reunion with my mother on the other side. I quick glance or nod as they are welcomed to the spirit world. Then they get to work teaching. My mother was always one for teaching and I know she is there doing so. I know that my dad is helping people get comfortable and feel welcomed in their next phase of life. These are the thoughts I have. I rely on these daydreams of mine to help me. Because I need help to deal with the fact that these first loves of our lives (mom and dad) have now flashed past me on the road of life. As hard as I reach out, with all the will of my soul, I cannot reach them. 

I sit questioning my life. No matter how long our lives are, the end comes in a blink of an eye and that's all there is for this life. But as I have learned in many instances, memories are the strongest type of magic we have (Kubo and the Two Strings). It is also up to us to keep their memory alive... but it is so hard during the time of grief. The pain that comes as I remember them is so unpredictable. Sometimes is not bad but other times it is so overwhelming that I lose the ability to speak. Then comes the long-term challenge of learning to live with it for the rest of my life. I understand grief is love. It just becomes a part of life. I try to understand how our older friends and family members have learned to live with these types of loss at a much greater number. 

If anything, these past two years have taught me that there are truths that cannot be learned without experiences. No book, no observation, no explanation can ever take the place of some experiences and the lessons you learn. With loss, we learn.

My thoughts and prayers are with my friend and their family as they grieve. The long journey now begins to continue life with this permanent hole in our hearts. I recently heard it called a broken heart for life. Tears stream down your face as you lose something you cannot replace (Coldplay).

Aloha,

SL

Oh what a year it has been... (part 2 of 2)

I could continue with many more positives but this year has taught me that just as darkness will give way to light, light must allow for shadows to exist. I found myself experiencing joy deeper than I had ever before. I finally had a family of my own that I love and adore, I have a career which I see myself pouring my heart and soul into, and I feel like I am on a path which I can continue to grow. With all these things there was a voice that kept whispering, "OK, but wait..." or "this is great... too great." I worried that something could go wrong at any moment and it would all be taken from me. Little did I know, what would be taken from me was not what I feared.

In November I experienced my first major family death, which shook me. I had other family members pass away but none as close as my grandpa was. Grandpa Vic was one of my heroes. His example of quiet dignity, dedication to his work, and willingness to help are traits that I hope to emulate. I had seen and experienced death before and through music, I have connected to the passing of a loved one. But this was different. It went far deeper than I ever anticipated. The finality of a moment hit me like a truck. It wasn't until I was sitting in my rent-a-car at the Maui Veterans Cemetary did it really hit me, and all I could do is cry. The memories I had with him all of a sudden became golden memories, those moments I never wanted to forget. So much more precious than previously thought.

I returned home to continue to mourn his passing and get on with life. Soon Christmas came around. I created a video to help my grandmother through her first Christmas without grandpa. Working on the video found my thoughts reflecting on working through my heartache. Reaching its threshold, I could take time to work through it.

Then the evening of December 22 came. I had a great day playing D&D but when it was over I had to deal with another death which took my heartache even further. My father had suffered a heart attack and my stepmother had given the order to not resuscitate. Then it was finished. My father had crossed over to the other side. His pain and suffering were over, he was finally reunited with his father, mother, and siblings who passed before him. But mine had just begun. Even now, months later I am working through a problem I don't know how to solve. Through a depth with no lights or relief from the weight. Despite this, I still push forward. Doing the things that I must in order to continue to live, but still dragging the weight of the knowledge that I will never in this life call my dad again, my daddy is gone. There is so much more to that story but in a nutshell, the last ten years have been the best I have had with him and just as things were really getting good, it is gone.

As I keep working through this I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but as of right now, it is still very dark.

Oh what a year it has been... (Part 1 of 2)

Another year and new experiences I want to share. I really should keep this blog up to date more. That being said. Over the last year, I have experienced more heartache than I thought I would ever experience. I cannot continue pouring my heart out without first giving thought to the good that I have experienced.

I have had many wonderful moments as a music teacher. My first real concert. I have been blessed to have had a mentor teacher that I was able to learn from and this year she left for family reasons and I will always remember her passion for teaching and the love she had for each of her students. My first concert on my own was in December of 2019 and it turned out so much better than I had thought. The students all were excited and anxious but it turned out to be an amazing experience for those who attended.

My son is growing and is healthy and very smart. I love him so much. my dream for him is to have experiences to share and keep rather than gifts and toys. Material things eventually fade and become nothing but dust. Using those "things" to create memories can become anchor points for those memories. Such as a trinket or family heirloom.

My wonderful wife decided to continue her journey of finding her self. She stepped into the world of education and has been handling her first year of teaching with so much more finesse and compassion than I did in my first year. Don't get me wrong the struggles are still there and like a saying I learned from some fellow music teachers, the best thing about your first-year of teaching is you only have to do it once. She has been incredibly successful and has handled the sudden transition to distance learning incredibly well.

I have also continued my journey to a Masters of Music Education. Of which has been such an enlightening and uplifting experience that I am grateful my wonderful wife has pushed me to pursue.  My experience can be an entire blog entry itself.

It truly has been a good year. But there is opposition in all things.

Many Moons Has Passed

As I sit here on a cold January night, many moons from my last post, I can't help but ponder how things has changed since then. I am living in Utah, a far stretch from the island I once lived. I now have been a father for two years, a husband for eight, and a professional music educator for three. My friends have been scattered to the winds of life and change. Some close some far. I have discovered much more about who I am and who I am still growing into. The path of life takes many turns but to find a person as wonderful, loving, and sweet as my wife is truly a once in a lifetime occurrence and I cannot thank her enough for her love and care she has for me and our child.

I just finished a visit from a friend who traveled an ocean for other family events, but took an opportunity out of his busy schedule to talk story with me. His departure has left me feeling a nostalgic sadness. The thoughts I am left thinking really reminds me how each day we are alive is truly one short day. The thought of the night is my home is not the same. My mother has retired from 30 years of teaching and will no longer be a part of the school I have known for so long. That chapter in her life is over and in turn has closed one in mine. That place which played a large part in my growing up is now a strange place to me and I don't know how to feel about it. 

My friends who have moved from the houses we all once lived are now reaching for the stars in many distant places. Opportunities that were once not available are now becoming realities by moving away from their homes. The locations where we all hung out and played are becoming memories, places where we will meet are now only places we "did meet." Places once familiar are becoming foreign.

Tonight my heart yearns for a time past, but breaks knowing that things have changed far enough that to go back would confirm my greatest sadness. It is not home, at least not the one I knew. I will always call those physical locations my home in some way shape and form. It will always be the home of my childhood, the place of many warm memories, many growing pains, many life lessons and experiences. The strength of those memories will carry me into the future and be a beacon and power to lift me when I am dark and low.

Why do I write this? I don't know. What I think is that I needed return to this blog to write and express these feelings. I wanted to get my thoughts and feelings out of the fluid world that is in my head and into the real world somehow. The fleeting thoughts that flow through the brain are gone quickly and these are thoughts I did not want to leave to the void of lost ideas.

As I bid farewell to those memories and place them into the long-term storage of my mind for safekeeping, I will remember to keep those memories and feelings close when I am in need. I will remember those people who have blessed me with their friendship, kindness, and love and remember to express my thanks when I am given the chance.

Let us always be grateful. 

Let us always remember the good. 

Let us always be kind. 

Let us always love each other.  

- Shaun

Summer to Fall

Well Being back in school is much harder than I had remembered but it is good. Utah Valley University is quite the unique experience. I enjoyed my time at a LDS school (BYU-H, go Seasiders!) and would not choose anything different, but the experiences I am having here is remarkable. By all means there is still quite the large LDS population but from many more backgrounds than I have imagined. Beyond that without the regulations placed upon students, the free flowing of experience and different lifestyles from one individual to the next is quite remarkable (something I have never really experienced in such open fashion before).

I have meet some of the coolest people and enjoyed talking and trading ideas. There is still so much to learn from people who are from the US. The diversity that was at BYU-H was unique but very different than the diversity from people who are directly tied to the US.

I guess that's kind of my theme for this post. For the first time in my life I am really experiencing changes of seasons and that is making me really appreciate Hawaii (because of the temperature drop) and also discover a new natural beauty that Hawaii rarely would have (pending where you are). Seeing the changes and the diversity of people that are here has made me rethink my original views of Utah. There are still many people here that fall under the "person from Utah" category, but there is so much more if you get out of certain places and ignore the stereotypes and focus on finding the unique people. One other thing to think about is how Utah has the highest percentage of Polynesians outside of Hawaii in the US (1% isn't too bad).

I still have my issues with drivers here and some people I can just feel the Utah culture. But as an overall perspective I have changed and have come to see diversity in one of the (at one point) least diverse places in the US.

A new adventure

It has been over a year since I wrote something. But today I write something that has been on my mind. For those who may read this thank you for taking some time out of your day to read this. As my blog name says one short day, such is life, so thank you.

But the thoughts that have been flowing through my head has much to do with be adventures of life. As we each live out our short days and move through the different peroids of our lives I can't help but to think about the adventures that we are soon to have. I started this to share with the select few adventures that I highly recomend. But the greatest adventure ever is to live out our dreams. I not just saying to make money and live happy. Rather to live out specific adventures. If you have fallen to the idea that "my childhood dream is a childish fantasy and I need to grow up and move on" or "life just didn't turn our for me." Realize that that is a lie you tell yourself to deal with the the idea that your dreams may never be realized.

Live the life you saw as a child, with unclouded vision and imagination, regain your freedom. The adventure awaits. Gabriel Iglasias, amazing comedian, once said in a tv special, "What's the point of living to 100 if I can't have tacos." (Paraphrasing) but that is life. Find things that make you happy. Your dreams will change but never let a dream that is your passion slip away for any reason.

Each day is short. And so I will restart this blog, recording my families adventures and activities. But most of all the adventure as we fulfill (not maybe) our dreams. One short day is all it takes.

Haunted Plantation

Despite we getting lost listening to directions from a friend of ours we made it to our destination. The Haunted Plantation in Waipahu Hawaii. looking at the line we were considering turning back and just coming another day. But even after the 5 hour wait I was glad that we didn't leave.

The fact that it was not only simply in one single house rather several houses made things very different from what I have been to previously. They did an excellent job from the very first door, of which they made us open ourselves. The excitement in the air mixed with the loud noises and screaming from the other groups a head of us made those first few steeps really scary. Funny enough the smallest girl was the first one through the door. From house to house in the plantation we made our way past people dressed in eerie costumes and getting real close to us, making strange noises to others jumping at us from windows we thought previously were closed. There were many jumping moments. As a whole it was a great deal (being $13 for the regular pass). There were a few things that could have gone better, such as a traffic jam that stopped the line from progressing for a good 3 -4 minutes and some costumes were repetitive. Over all a great experience.

One of the major factors that made this whole experience worth it was the company I had in line. The wait was extremely long (approx 5 hours from start of waiting in line to the plantation), and without a good group of friends would have been quite painful. We talked joked and even made music. Singing a Major chord  as a group above all the screaming was fun. When the attraction opened (at 7pm) some of the actors came out and started to walk through the crowd and scared several people (quite funny). They did run out of food so I would advise bringing your own food and drink for the wait in line.

We will have to see where the next day will take me.